Friday, December 26, 2008

Lotus in full bloom

This is a poem inspired by a Tamil duet of two lovers singing a ode of love to each other...the italics is the lady singing, otherwise it is the man.

Like a fully bloomed lotus
is weighed down shy
your coyness bows your head
waiting me to come by

Your heartbeat quickens as
over the threshold pass my feet,
the sweat of ur passion
yearning for the moment we meet

You are the coveted elixir
for my youthful desire.
Only the depths of your ocean
shall extinguish my fire

Oh my impatient love, who
I cherish in my innermost
Come accompany me thither
To our love, let us toast

There you can have me
For as long as you will
Drink love from my lips
Every moment - a thrill

Your love flows all night
overfills the limitless trough
in the brightness of early sun
I still have not had enough

Every moment I pined
Is now recompensed far above
For like the Love God himself
You have made love

This endearing liveliness
on your blushing cheeks
is more precious than rare pearls
of remote coral creeks

Oh, my love that's my shyness
which has left me stumped
Your pearly praises cant evoke
music in this lyre benumbed

But you are a lyre
of thousand strings
Every string I strain
shall sing a paean to my love

There is a stanza or more in the Tamil song, but I felt that it was a logical completion here. The Tamil lyrics are pasted below. As usual its not known who wrote the lyrics...such a shame! Music is by Ilayaraja...I came across this song when I was searching for songs based on the Raga Reetigowla, my favorite of this raga being "Chinna Kannan Azhaikiran" again by Ilayaraja. More than the lyrics or music, I love this song due to the beauty of Sumalatha, the actress - her attractive expressions have gone a long way in inspiring my rendering in English.

I have pasted this Tamil lyrics from

Song - Thalayai Kuniyum Thamaraiye
Movie: Oru oadai nadhi aagirathu
Singers: SPB/ S.Rageswari

thalayai kuniyum thamaraye
thalayai kuniyum thamaraye
ennai edhirpaarthu
vandha pinbu verthu
ennai edhirpaarthu
vandha pinbu verthu
thalayai kuniyum thamaraye

nee theerka vendum vaaliba thaagam

nee theerka vendum vaaliba thaagam

paaRkadalin oaram pandhi vaikkum neram
paaRkadalin oaram pandhi vaikkum neram

amudham vazhiyum idhazhai thudaithu
vidiyum varayil virundhu nadathu

thalayai kuniyum thaamari Naan
unnai edhir paarthu, vandha pinbu verthu
unnai edhir paarthu, vandha pinbu verthu

thalayai kuniyum thamaraye


kaathirundhen anbe
ini kaamanin veedhiyil thaer varumo
poomagaL kannagaL ini maadhuLai poal
niRam maaRidumo

aayiram naaNangaL
indha oomayin veeNayil isai varuma

nee oru poN veeNai
adhil nuni viral thodugayil
pala suramaa

poovai nugarndadhu mudhanmuRaya

vedhanai veLayil sodhanaya

idhu sariya

poovadai kaatru jannalai saathu .


poovadai kaatru jannalai saathu

uththaravu devi thathalikkum aavi
uththaravu devi thathalikkum aavi

irandu nadhigal iNaindhu nadakkum
pudhiya alaigal karayai udaikkum

thalayai kuniyum thamaraye
thalayai kuniyum thamaraye
ennai edhirpaarthu
vandha pinbu verthu
ennai edhirpaarthu
vandha pinbu verthu
thalayai kuniyum thamaraye

Friday, December 19, 2008

Dump the lyricist

I hate it when is so difficult to find the lyricist of a particular song.

You love a meaningful song and wish to know who wrote the search the web...the number of websites who mention the singer or the music director alongwith the lyrics are dime a dozen. Heck, you even find the names of the director and the actors...but no mention of the poor lyricist, because of whom the song came into existence first place, and that too just where they have written down the lyrics!

There are many websites which do not mention the name of the lyricist along with the lyrics of the song.

But I particularly got riled this time around...I was searching for the lyricist of the song "Kahin Karti Hogi" from the film "Phir Kab Milogi" - its a beautiful short romantic melody and one of my favs. Of course as usual many sites did not mention the name of the lyricist and compounding my problems was that this song was copied by that pop wannabe Anamika who sung it out from the female perspective as "Kahin Karta Hoga" and that was all over the web. Heck, one website ascribed the lyrics of the song to her, even though its known that she was singing an older song.

Finally one website "musicindiaonline" mentioned the lyricist of the film to Majrooh seems he has penned all the songs of this film of which this is the most well known one. A poet of Majrooh Sultanpuri's caliber not being accredited with penning this lyric in so many websites is very unfortunate. I wish people gave more respect to the lyricist.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Yearning of Radha

Along the sandy banks of Yamuna,
In chilly misty air
She awaits a love dance again
with her Lover fair

To see His footsteps in the sand
She searches hither thither
In her unceasing wait for Krishna
She slowly begins to wither

Nights pass away with changing moons
Days with the seasons
Yet the day of Tryst is elusive
For some inexplicable reason

Yearning eyes yet lose not faith
Gazing in every direction
Even elements fail to snuff out the hope
For her soul burns in passion

The heart cries out at last
- "Where is Krishna, mine.
Radha's scorching desire be quenched
by just one tryst with thine"

Translation (though not an exact one) of the song "Yamunai Aatrile" reflecting the yearning of Radha, from the Tamil film Dalapathi

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Bondage of love

In nigahon mein dooba is tarah
ki apne ruh se ho gaya juda
tum ban gaye ho mere khuda
main bas tumhara adna sa banda

Aag mein jhulaskar tthandak mile
hai yehi yagaanah-i-ashiqui
jis ghulami mein ho fakr
hai woh mere mashooqa ki bandigi

yagaanah - wonder/uniqueness/incomparable

Monday, December 15, 2008

Devoted love

One prompt from you, O love
Shall unleash my tumultuous outpour
I shall kiss you till Kingdom comes
And place you on the divine pedestal

You have worshiped me in love
Undeserving though I am
Now my love is awakened
And you are its only God

Only in my protective arms
Shall you find eternal peace
Only in your soothing shade
Shall I forget my worries

Let us have but each other
No other world apart
Let me immerse in you
As you dissolve in me

this is a rendering of one of my favorite romantic Hindi songs, an evergreen one...its not an exact literal translation (no fun in that!) and also I have interchanged the placement of one of the stanzas. Lets see if someone can guess which song it clue, the 3rd stanza is closest to the Hindi original in a literal manner.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Faerie in red

A melange of orange, ochre and deep red
fluttering in the air
cladding that lissome form
of my love, she so fair

She floats across the hill tops
which are covered in a carpet green
Her smile bestowing warmth
like a faerie of surreal dreams

Bliss suffusing her face
Her hands move in sinuous grace
I reach out to touch her,
She disappears, leaving me dazed

And when I kneel to worship
in the glorious sanctuary
She showers me with pure love
A path emerges through the haze

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wistful reminisces

When even stiff gusts of wind
can't snuff out the spark of dying embers

When even the ravages of time fail
to obliterate that image from your mind

When the passing years cannot wear away
traces of those bittersweet memories

When the whisper of the silent zephyr
brings to mind that raucous laughter

When in the eddies of puddle
you discern a familiar sylph like form

When in tense times of distress
emerges a seraphic smile to soothe

When you haven't forgotten her
long after she has forgotten you

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

'I' defined

I am higher than the low,
lower than the high

I am wiser than the fool,
and stupider than the wise

I am straighter than the crooked
yet not quite in line

I am livelier than the dullard
but not that full of life

I am simpler than the abstruse
oh, yet not so easy to define

They deem me impulsive
unbeknownst of my shrewd design

When they praise my humility
I find myself puffed with pride

I can dwell in dreams of beauty
yet let pragmatism decide

So don't ascribe me one quality
for I am a bit of either side

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The weekend that was...

...with Meenie!

I will not even attempt to supercede her description, for doubtlessly it shall be in vain.

I will conclude by saying that she is a real good luck girl, for thanks to her I most unexpectedly got to see an excellent art museum, with rare antiquities, most treasured being the Halmidi stone inscription - the oldest ever Kannada inscription found and returned with four tomes full of Vijayanagara inscriptions that I am most fortunate to procure. And for all this I shall pray to the God of Physics to forgive her for all the fantastic theories she spun :D

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

No word for it

I know this is not done, but right now I feel like a mute with no words, yet who is overwhelmed with torrents of feelings that it is difficult to repress, to keep quiet, so I borrow words of others - I came across the following passage while reading a novel and it expresses my sentiments in the raw tormenting manner I feel

“Have you ever wanted something, Sidonie, so badly that it almost maddened you?” he finally said. “Something that made you itch from the inside out, that kept you sitting on the edge of your bed every night with your head in your hands and your heart in your throat? Something you almost, almost had—and then you lost it so suddenly it made you ache with…with what, I don’t know. Frustration? Thwarted desire? No. I have no word for it.”

- in Ch 9 of A Devil To Pay by Liz Carlyle

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bringing Alive

It was a brilliant fire
that sparked up dying embers
bringing heat, bringing life
then it engulfed all
eating up with raw hunger
consuming with ardor
but should it be damned
for this devastation?

The first whiff of breeze
brought life to a dead man
he arose freshly awakened
but then followed a gale
that blew him away
Yet what worth was his life before

Should that storm be blamed for
bringing alive the dead,even if only
for a few moments of meaningful life

Monday, December 1, 2008

Terror in Mumbai

I offer my solemn condolences to those who mourn for their lost family, relatives and friends in the heinous acts of terror in Mumbai. This is a national calamity and fills our hearts with shame and anger, this anger is not just towards those who perpetrated it, but also towards those whose willful negligence and lack of duty consciousness cost the nation its pride and so many lives. Hopefully we will emerge a stronger nation and learn important lessons so that such incidents do not occur in future.

Terror doesn't have any religion or nation, for it is against all humanity.

Divine Love

Translation of one stanza of the song Alaipayuthe Kanna.

This is a devotional song composed by the saint cum music exponent Oothakadu Venkata Subbiyer, who lived in the 18th century. It is addressed to Lord Krishna and the form of address is personal and full of love.

This is a very inspiring song for me. I thank Meena for introducing me to this and Neeru for helping me understand this stanza in particular based on which I composed the English interpretation. Even so I dont think it can ever capture the beauty and devotional love of Venkata Subbiyer's composition.

theLindha nilavu pattappagal poal eriyudhae
dhikkai noakki en puruvam neRiyudhae
kanindha un vaeNugaanam kaatRil varugudhae
kaNgal sorugi oru vidhamaay varugudhae

Even in a serene coolness, your passion sets me afire
My eyes ever turn to wherever you might be
Every whiff of breeze bears your melodious voice
Even with eyes closed, you do not let me be free

Monday, November 24, 2008

Yaa Ali Maasoom

Hairat kun maasoom
Yaaaaa... Ali

Taajubana tabassum
Yaaaaa... Ali

Mere dil mein hai tu
Meri jind mein bhi tu
Yaa Ali Yaaaa Ali

Har khwab mein tu
Har iradon mein tu
Yaa Ali Yaaaa Ali

Hai tu yaaron ka yaar
Deewanon ka bahaar
Yaa Ali Yaaaa Ali

Jiski raunaq na ho gum
Hai woh tera mazaar
Yaa Ali Yaaaa Ali

Hairat kun maasoom, Yaaaaa Aliii...

Taajubana tabassum, Yaaaaa Aliii...

Hairat kun - astonishing
Maasoom - innocent, untainted
Tajubana - wondrous
Tabassum - smile
Jind - life (its Punjabi)
Bahaar - happiness, spring
Raunaq - lustre, shine, elegance
Mazaar - sacred shrine, tomb

Ali was son-in-law of Prophet Muhammad, highly revered in Sufi traditions for his upright character, honesty and high mindedness.

This composition actually came in my mind as a spiritual music (however I am music-handicapped)....the words Maasoom and Yaa Ali were central in this music, later on I put down rest of the appropriate words searching through an Urdu glossary for the words I wanted (please dont be under the impression that I know Urdu very well...though I do have some knowledge to find out the words I want)

Monday, November 17, 2008

Quatrains of Truth

The wise if given choice
Do not in birth rejoice
Death follows the borned
Tis the truth unadorned

Those who think they live
will surely one day die
The reality exists
Just remove the cover of lie

Monday, November 10, 2008

My Dada

This blog reflects the many miles traveled by an itinerant mind, yet it has not yet stopped by two important stations for my life, cornerstones if I may call them so - history and cricket (or to be specific Test cricket). It is just a quirk of how things happened, but the time has come to express my thoughts on Test cricket and the Test cricketer whom I adore the most.

Whatever I write here is completely from memory - I am purposely not Googling to confirm any of these facts - its a testament to myself how much this great figure means to me - Dada aka Sourav Ganguly

This will be a long article...I will write everything I can, its really a catharsis. So those who are already bored may part with me here.

This article would have been written irrespective of whether India won, drew or lost the final Test match with Australia in Nagpur, irrespective of how the series ended, irrespective of how Sourav performed in his last match. As it happened he scored a significant 85 in the first innings. With great expectations he came out in the second innings, but was out on the very first ball for a duck, a rather tame caught and bowled affair to end a career glorious in many ways than one. A speculative look of disbelief towards the bowler, who was being congratulated by his teammates, a wry glance to the sky perhaps asking God if it could not have ended better, and the stunned silence of the entire crowd before they stood up as one and applauded a master walking off the field one last time. Such was the way Ganguly's international career ended. It start however was unheralded.

Sometime in mid 1996, a few months after we had crashed out of the World Cup Semi Finals in a disastrous defeat to believe it or not (at least we couldn't believe it then) Sri Lanka, the Indian Cricket team was playing a non-descript ODI series in Singapore! BCCI's voracious appetite for money was strong even then, perhaps stronger.

A few unknown young players were being tried out in this sideshow of a series - names that became big names later on - Rahul Dravid and Sourav Ganguly. In one of the interesting matches of that series, India took on Australia, batting first and were reeling at 88 for 5 at one stage with more than half of the overs to be bowled. If I am not wrong Rahul Dravid was run out for 3 runs, but he looked good in his stay (at least thats what the learned commentators said).

The young batsman at crease was Sourav Chandidas Ganguly who had been unceremoniously booted out from the Indian team after a disastrous Australia tour, four years earlier He was joined in the middle by Sunil Joshi a left arm spinner but also a southpaw with handy bat, another untested player. This greenhorn pair surprisingly put up a stiff fight against one of the top teams in the world, the runners up in the World Cup. All those who expected a tame give-in (those youngsters who don't believe that an Indian team doesn't give in tamely, well you don't know of those times and you cant begin to understand how much these times gives us joy), were in for a pleasant shock. The pair hung in for more than 20 overs and put up a partnership of a hundred runs. I think Sourav made a well deserved half century. India finally put up a fighting score of 201, something for the bowlers to bowl at. We made the Australians slog till the very end before being beaten, mainly due to the heroics of Michael Bevan, that giant of ODIs in the previous decade.

Despite India's defeat people took heart and took notice of this young gritty player. Unsurprisingly he got a nod for the Test Series due in England the next month. So did Rahul Dravid. Thus after waiting in the wings for over four years, Sourav finally got a crack at Test cricket and boy what a debut series he had. Cracking two consecutive hundreds in his first two matches and scored 66 in the third, missing out on a record of 3 hundreds on debut like his captain Azharuddin had achieved, by only 34 runs. Incidentally Rahul Dravid to debuted in the same match as Sourav and in that innings he scored a patient 95, in the manner we soon came to acknowledge as that of the "Wall".

The lingering memory of that series is Sourav Ganguly gently, gracefully timing a beautifully bowled delivery on perfect off-stump line, and caressing it through the covers piercing a well-packed off-side field with impeccable precision. It had a romance of its own like caressing one's lover and sweeping her off the feet, just as Sourav would stun the connoisseurs with his old-world charm, all grace and style. Soon Dravid, his usual partner at the other end could not help but remark - "On the offside there is God, and then there is Ganguly"...he was the God of offside cover drives. It became a myth, a fascination and sometimes somewhat of a joke. In our colony cricket, if some guy suddenly became rather aggressive and fluent on the offside, we would ask "yeh kya Ganguly ban gaya kya?" (has he become like Ganguly?)

Soon, as it happens in international sports, bowlers spotted his weaknesses - primarily his discomfort with short pitched bowling into the body and his rather limited leg side cricket. It seemed as if Ganguly was brought up in grounds where there was only off-side. It is a testament to the resolve and determination of this man that in his last series now, his fluent innings at Mohali and Nagpur were uncharacteristically characterized by shots all around the ground. In fact the predominance of those off-side cover drives was conspicuous by its absence, though it was very much there. He can pull reasonably well now and for balls bowled at his legs, he would go on his backfoot and punch it through mid on or cover leg. This is what makes a successful Test cricketer, someone who can play for more than a decade with more than 100 caps, the willingness to go back to the basics, iron out one's flows, identifying one's weaknesses and seeking out ways to counter them and understanding the most important mantra, in Ponting's words "the learning never stops, even if you have played 120 odd matches"

In late 90s, there was a huge demand for India-Pakistan matches, but with continued political stand-off between India and Pakistan, it was impossible to stage matches in either of these countries. Thats how Sharjah became the site of an annual fest celebrating the Indo-Pak rivalry on cricket field - a contest in true gladiatorial style with the considerable immigrant population from both India and Pakistan in the middle east baying for blood. However another venue emerged in 1996 with Sahara staging an India-Pakistan tournament in the politically uncharged, cool, rather cold climes of distant Canada. In these tournaments Ganguly created a mark, especially with a stellar performance in 1997-98. In one of the editions he captained the side for the series with Azhar, Sachin and even Jadeja unavailable. He captained admirably well with a young inexperienced bowling attack of unheralded Debasis Mohanty and Harvinder Singh. He himself led from the front with both the bat and ball picking five wickets for sixteen with his military medium pace in one match, trapping the batsmen with his beguiling swing. India won the series with nearly half the team populated by unknown names. It showed the Ganguly had a special touch in leadership, which went on to fascinate an entire nation later.

Over the next three years, from the time of his debut till the '99 World Cup, Ganguly grew in stature, especially in the ODIs. He cemented his place as Sachin Tendulkar's opening partner and the pair went on to become one of the most successful ODI opening pair, smashing many records along the way. By '99, both Ganguly and Dravid had stabilized their position in the Test team, though Dravid struggled to break into the ODI team with his paltry striking rate. It was only later when he reinvented his game, playing with soft hands, did he become a successful ODI batsman.

Some would be surprised as to the frequency of reference to Dravid in an article on Ganguly, but with regards to cricket, they were much like Siamese twins, having started off in Test Cricket at the same time, coming into prominence and establishing their positions at the same time. Yet there was and there is a difference. Though it is a different difference now. At the end of their careers Dravid will certainly be counted as a better batsman than Ganguly, but after the first 4 years of cricket it was Ganguly who was far ahead with well secured position in both forms of cricket. In fact in '99 WC, Geoffrey Boycott didnt rate Dravid anywhere close to Ganguly. Besides this striking difference is immensely positive role each of them played during the other's captaincy. Dravid's standout performances, the 180 odd in Kolkata, the 270 in Adelaide, both match winning knocks came under Ganguly, while Ganguly's fairytale comeback (which I shall talk later about), when he surprisingly became India's batting mainstay, his highest knock of 239 against Pakistan in Chennai came under Dravid's leadership.

But I must confess there is one more reason to hyphenate them, because Dravid was my favorite cricketer then, even though Ganguly seemed to have been a better, more fluent batsman than Dravid then. What impressed one was Dravid's "Wall" like character. His doughtiness, and seeming lack of was all sheer hard work and professionalism, hours of application and unending lack of resolve in reserves. I rejoiced his first Test century in Johannesburg against South Africa as if it was a personal achievement for me, so inspiring it was to look at.

In those times Ganguly came across as the flamboyant chap, the Maharajah or as Boycott would call him fondly in his Yorkshire accent, "Moy Prince of Kolkata". He was the rebel both within and outside his family. He had married his childhood sweetheart Dona defying age old enmity between their two families. He was supposed to be arrogant, aloof, almost regally dismissive of others.

Till the tour of Australia at the dawn of the new century, Ganguly had a Test average above 50 and along with Tendulkar and Dravid was already being touted as the Big Three of Indian cricket. But in that horrible tour under Tendulkar's jinxed captaincy, where we were whitewashed three nil undid all the reputation that Ganguly had earned. His average slipped below 50 and never again it came close to that mark afterwards. The Australian team that drubbed us, the emerging powerhouse, the roller-coaster was lead by a ruthless, tough-minded veteran known as Steve Waugh and our 3-0 defeat was the start of a juggernaut that claimed an unprecedented sixteen Test victories in a row. Ganguly, himself as astute student of the game, who relied much on intuition would have noted Waugh's inspirational leadership even then and must have already started having some ideas of how to deal with it. This is just my conjecture.

The horror Down Under was just the beginning of a larger nightmare - the spectre of which had loomed cricket world for a long time, always spoken in hushed tones - Match fixing - but it all came out into the open in early 2000. Many well known heads were rolled and the cricketing world went into a frenzy - Azhar, Jadeja, Cronje, Gibbs and many Pakistani cricketers. It was one the most difficult period in the history of cricket. Many hard core fans were totally pissed off with cricket and had decided to totally stop following it. I like many others was disenchanted with no interest left in this game. Adding to my disillusionment was the uncertainty of leadership of the Indian national team. Azhar was old and tainted, Tendulkar - the bright future of India's cricket was a disaster as far as captaincy was concerned and had almost tearfully resigned from his job after a shocking two nil defeat against South Africa at home! I mean imagining being defeated in home itself was a shock and that against South Africa, who hardly had any well known spinners and were not the best players of spin on spinning tracks was like rubbing salt over wounds. Besides this was the larger 'lions at home, lambs abroad' syndrome and our lambs were usually ruthlessly slaughtered. The Indian team in crunch situation just didn't have any bloody spine to it. It just sunk like a Titanic with all its big names going like puff.

When Tendulkar resigned from captaincy after the defeat in Ahmedabad, the selectors went in a tizzy, there was hardly anybody to look upto for this role, except for Ganguly. Dravid was even then struggling to be a consistent part of the ODI team, though he was well established in the Tests. Ganguly was the seniormost member after Srinath, Kumble and Tendulkar in the Indian team that survived the Match fixing saga.

Thus sometime in March 2000, Ganguly became the captain of India and immediately led the team into the ODI series with South Africa which followed the Test series. I dont know how come I followed this series considering that I was still very upset with India's disappointing spineless performance in the Tests. Yet as any cricket follower, when cricket happens you just end up following it. Its something like however angry you might be with your lover, you still cannot stay away from her. Well this time love really paid off. India won a very closely fought five match series with a thrilling 3-2 score. But what impressed more was there was something more in this Indian team. They appear charged, keener, aggressive almost primal and I do not exaggerate. What surprised even more was that this was the same team which just a week earlier suffered a horrible series defeat against the same opponent. The only difference was the captain. I don't know if people noticed, but that's when I started noticing him again in a totally different light.

Though it may seem that I am chronicling here the entire career of Sourav Ganguly, yet believe me that is not my intention. I am just putting forward facts and my personal insights which date back to before his successful captaincy for there was something already inherent over here which predicted someone who would make a mark, someone who had the potential to create difference. What happened next is well known and very fresh in public memory. The greatest ever Test series victory by an Indian team - the 2-1 defeat of Steve Waugh's neo-Invincibles, stopping their 16 straight victory juggernaut, being the black horse that unseated the all powerful, overweening champion. So on the rest of the successful captaincy tenure - reaching the finals of WC 2003, winning a Test Series for the first time in Pakistan, consistently reaching ODI finals, the bagful of Test victories away from home, holding Steve Waugh led Aussies in Australia to a grimly fought drawn series...its an impressive list and also a well known list, much discussed about. What I wish to focus is on certain essentials that threaded through all these victories binding them together, which help us understand why they happened and what they meant to us.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

A Goodnight Prayer

O Lord I pray to you
Grant me strength
Grant me resolve
So that I wake up
A more determined person on the morrow
Who shirks not in doing his duty
Who lacks not the courage to act righteously
Who doubts not the path that you show
Lead me from darkness to light

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Love is War

There's something about Urdu, where the forceful and the confident comes out in such an earthy, direct manner. After ages something came to my mind in Urdu and really enjoyed this. Of course, Urdu connoisseurs may turn their face the other way at this and rightly so, but I cant express how much joy it gives my heart, even though it may look like a B grade shayari.

Imagine a confident, brash beau who is ready to suffer anything, take on any might and has no doubt whatsoever that he will get the woman he wants.

Tumhe paana bada mushkil hai
par isi mein hai mazaa zaalim

Hame tadpaane ka lutf hain tumhe
isi ada par to marte zaalim

Aur kya kahe yeh dil e baimaan
isko to na chheena hota zaalim

Chahe tum ho khafa, ya yeh bair duniya
Ab is zulm ka meetha badla lege zaalim

Ki rafta rafta tadpa tadpa kar, tumne
akhir mein bana diya hame ishq ka aalim

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Blessing in disguise

It was winter time,
when cold bloods go into hibernation
A snake unfortunately strayed
far off from its subterranean nest

And was caught in the open,
when that unavoidable sluggishness invaded
Helpless it lay there exposed,
An easy quarry to dangerous predators

As it dwindled down into the unconscious
It perceived a sharp bite to its tail
Enraged it looked around and saw a small rat
That woebegone creature, dares to attack me!

The furious snake swung at its irritant
But the rat smartly scurried away
The snake gave a raging glare
As the rat looked on from a safe distance

Then sleep invaded yet again
And the snake tired slumped down
But ere it could drift off
There the irritating rat bit him again

The snake went mad
Such anger was aroused
That this time it slithered some distance
Pursuing that rodent

But the rat as usual
Ran away to safety
And the snake could but
be flustered in its fury

But now it was less sleepy than earlier
And was constantly on the alert
To catch the audacious rat
and teach him a fine lesson

Thus the months passed away
Every time the snake looked like drifting away
He received a biting wake up call
But soon the season of dormancy passed away
And the snake felt energy flow in back into his being

He looked around and saw vultures hovering above
Then suddenly realized what a service that rat has been
Keeping him awake through the winter months
And thus saved him from greater peril

Sometimes even rats can be
A blessing in disguise
Sometimes irritation is the
only visible sign of life
The alert action it inspires
is the reason one survives

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Web of fantasy

The usual was a bitter struggle
And there was biting pain
Making a world of his own was
The only way to remain sane

The lone spider's spin
The hero of his webbed retreat
The web - his life's outpouring
That satisfaction his worthy gain

The self appointed erudite scoffed
and dismissed this as unreal
How does this fantasy web, they said
reflect suffering of the humane

They, ensconced in their unreal comfort were
Morbidly eager to experience the ghastly reality
But he who truly knows what that means
For ages has silently suffered this pain

They glorify his reality
Deluding themselves to his bemusement
But he has lived "their" reality and
Wants no reminders of his bane

Monday, November 3, 2008

Light of my life

Fortunate I am to have seen that pristine beauty once,
If only once in my life
Your words made me come alive
And I adored your very sight
Like a luminous sylph in the night
You brought me light,
You gave me light

When you came, arrived a new dawn
But then you left - a long eclipse
And then you came again, my love
My life then shined evermore
Such brightness occurred never before
Never again

Fortunate I am to have seen that pristine beauty once,
If only once in my life

Sunday, November 2, 2008


A flower blossomed,
the rarest of yellow
Bringing a rare
Euphoria to my heart

But then it shriveled
and brought tears to eyes
It caused as much pain
As it had once given pleasure

So on many seasons passed
Flowers would come and go
Bringing joy but always
Followed by sadness

And then neither joy
nor sorrow could satisfy,
Could quench that
Insatiable desire

The desire grew to break free
of these bonds of experiences
Is there something? An existence
beyond these transitory mirages

Is not there something stable
That which always exists
The immovable platform
As trains come and go
The unshakable mountain
Even as rivers alter their courses

That which has existence
Beyond this impermanence
Where It is all One and
there are no deluding opposites

Who is He, the Knower of all
Who is He, the Cause of everything
What is That of which all this is made of
The Consciousness there at all times
When we sleep, dream or are awake

Who is He who observes everything
The Witness of all actions, the Ultimate Subject
The Changeless, Eternal, Immovable, Indeterminate
The Unknowable yet who knows all
Who is still, yet everywhere
Who permeates, Who Is
The Truth

Friday, October 31, 2008


There's an age when the commonest sparrow evokes passion
And then comes an age when one waits for the nightingale

An age of euphoria for the first showers of spring
And then the age of waiting for endless nights, when nothing sates

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

In front of my Lord I come
Bemoaning what I have become
O my Lord deliver from this ill
This steady descent to peril

My focus is lost
My purpose is lost
My belief is shaken
Ye Evil avast!

Thoughts roil the mind
Benumb the nerves
I fail in everything
As I watch aghast!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Another Fancy game

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Sites


57%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

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Blogoholics Anonymous required and I have got trapped in "bad" company who encourage me in this addiction

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Realisation and the Realised Self

Ishavasya Upanishad stanzas 5,6,7 with translations from

Tadejati Tanaijati Tad Dure Tadvantike
Tadantarasya Sarvasya Tadu Sarvasyasya Bahyataha

That moves, yet moves not
That is far, and yet That is near
That is within everything,
Yet also outside everything

Yastu Sarvani Bhutani Atmanyevanupasyati
Sarvabhuteshu Chatmanam Tato Na Vijugupsate

The man who perceives all beings as his own Self
And his own Self as other beings is free from dislikes

Yasmin Sarvani Bhutani Atmaivabhud Vijanataha
Tatra ko Moha kah Shoka Ekatvamanupasyataha

What misapprehension or sorrow can there be for the realised one
Who sees the oneness everywhere and all beings as his own Self?

A very good and easily understandable interpretation of the Ishavasya Upanishad can be found here. Its by Swami Paramananda

The Sanskrit texts of all the Upanishads can be found here

The Ishavasya is a very significant Upanishad because most of the thoughts herein have been elucidated further in The Bhagavad Gita.

The very well known and so called Vedic Peace Mantra - Om Poornamadam Poornamidaha .... occurs at the beginning and end of this Upanishad.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Border-Gavaskar Panipat

visit Ortist

Peshwa Anilrao Kumble vs Ricky Shah Ponting

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Conquering Inaction

"Yield not to unmanliness O son of Pritha. There is in this world neither sin nor misery, neither disease nor grief; if there is anything in this world that can be called sin it is this - 'fear'; know that any work which brings out the latent power in thee is Punya (virtue); and that which makes thy body and mind weak is, verily, sin. Shake off this weakness and faint-heartedness! Thou art a hero, a Vira; this is unbecoming of thee"
- Swami Vivekananda expounding on a shloka in the Gita

Uncertain Passion

Is there a larger basis for our motivation or is it just driven by passion

Passion is a force of impulse with extremely limited energy and duration. It is also highly uncertain and uncontrollable

If one tries to control passion, doesn't give it a free rein, then it is never the same as then one cannot at all make use of passion as a force

So either way, passion is not something upon which one can base one's objectives and the motivation to attain those objectives. One's aim and the drive to achieve it need a more enduring basis, which volatile passion cannot provide.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Maidenly Man

Statutory Warning: If you believe in propriety and decorum, you may not like to read the following :D

It all started with a frnd of mine sending me the following mail titled:
Women Superiority: have fun guys ;)

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll
it's pathetic.

Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like
complete idiots in women's clothes.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in
a computer game.

Taxi's stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

Needless to specify her gender :) ..Then we exchanged a series of mails and soon found ourselves discussing about this new age India where according to me in guy-gal relationships, especially in marriage, a new situation has crept in- experienced girl vs inexperienced (inept?) guy.

My frnd had certain disagreements about it so I presented to her a sample situation of a wedding night which can be a possibility in this new age urban millieu.

I am presenting hereby an unedited version of what I sent to her

scene - inside a bedroom...the bed is decked with flowers and there are garlands hanging down from a canopy...mellow light to add to the ambience....the bride is lazily lounging on the bed...her arms under her head and one leg crossed over another with a wry expression on her face...thinking if this chap who is abt to come in is goin to be any good enuf

there is noise outside as the door is opened and the guy is pushed inside by his giggling friends...he comes in shy and a bit wary...the girl crooks up her eyebrows giving him an appraising glance but stay as she is....the guy is intimidated

girl: Oh at last you have come, huh
guy(shyly): ya
girl: what took you so long.
guy: I..
girl (cutting him abruptly): now see that glass of milk over there
guy, looking thirstily at that...he reaches out to it
guy: but it is cold
girl: of course its bcos you took so long, I will have to drink cold milk, thankfully today I do feel like having cold milk.. otherwise I wud have blown the living daylights of you...its so hot in here and you have not even arranged for an AC
guy: Sorry, that slipped out of my mind
the thing was in dealing with relatives, the wedding organizers, the hotel and everyone else, he was weary more than he was wary.
girl: beware nothing else slips...else u will find ur life slippery, when will u bring that glass over here...and I cud do with a massage of my legs, oooh they ache so much
guy: massage ur legs
girl: duffer, havent u ever massaged a girl bfr...thats the best way to arouse her and go higher and higher, taking her higher and higher
guy: I havent
girl: u havent :O ... u mean some girl let u get away that easily
guy (confused): get away with what
girl (as if something at last dawned upon her): DONT TELL ME YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH A GIRL...YOU ARE A FUCKING VIRGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
guy (smiling): fucking and virgin...thats seems like an Antithesis (he was somewhat of a scholar...but obviously not scholarly in the areas his new wife preferred)
girl: Anti thesis...whatever that means?? dont put on ur Phd airs over here have done no fucking thesis on fucking and I am not gonna have you slobber over me like some jerk...come and massage me first and then we will see if u r any good with this
...hey bring that milk also will u, stupid BOZO

So the Phd scholar on his wedding night started with a new apprenticeship under this new age mistress

My friend had certain disagreements and so she gave me a point to point rebuttal

1. Guy waits for the girl atleast in tamil movies.. havent seen in reality

2. Girl is too scared.. umm too out of place to be so rude..

3. No one does it on their first day unless its love marriage.. or its
a rape....

4. Make sure to check the girl for AIDS :D :D

5. Girls cant get experience without guys getting it.. umm besides...
guys dunno anything abt how to make a girl happy.. so even if the girl
is exp.. chances are she never orgasmed so technically she still is
clean state

6. If you are worried about consequences.. umm look for married
aunties.. they would be more than eager to teach u how :P :P

To conclude, allow me to share an anecdote (courtesy my good friend who participated in the discussion above)

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Well this anecdote summarizes the typically sad situation of this age - most guys are not good at their job and most women confuse the matter further

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Damn it!

As slow as snail
The bluntest nail
Its bound to fail
And end in a big wail
Gets swept by a gale
Showered by hail
Foolish Foolish!
Finds trapped in jail

Goes round and round
Gets confused
Chasing Chasing
Its own tail

Others grasp in a moment
What it doesn't learn in a lifetime
Plods through chapters
Ending in blunders
Needless thunders
Worthless wonders
Thick as dunders

A saga ends and
begins another tale
Bloody hell!

Thursday, October 9, 2008


One day he passed by a dale
and heard the call of a siren
that pierced through his sub-conscious
deep into his being
and he decided to stay put

a hut was made overlooking the gentle downs
with a pristine lake by one side
he was away in isolation
yet he had everything he wanted
there was Net to converse, to know
and yet he could shut it whenever he wished
he could listen to any tune
time and time again
he could read whatever he wanted
he had no chores to do
a kind samaritan came from nowhere
and volunteered to take care of him
she asked for nothing
but was more motherly than his mother had ever been

he could exactly do what he wished for
and had complete freedom
he could stay in and be connected for as long as he wanted
he could read, he could listen to any melody he wished
and then he could venture out if bored
cut a few logs, for firewood
shear the lambs, only because he enjoyed it
or just play with the shepherds
and tell them of the wider world
yet detach from them with no ties
no commitment to anyone
he was as free as any bird
he would watch the reflection of moon in the lake all night long
and wake up late in the afternoon
and then bathe under the waterfalls, taking in a cool refreshing dip
in the evening, sip a cup of coffee watching the sunset beyond downs
he did not even have to think,
leave alone do anything for his bare necessities or survival

thoughts flitted like flies
there was no constant
he let it be..after all there was no aim, no end to attain
no money to be earned for bread, wine or shelter
no human ties or responsibilities

he had come there with a pain which the siren tapped
he had none to call his own
and yet it is that yearning that propelled him
to write, to read, to listen, to know
to sense
to percieve
now that pain was his most valuable posession
as it was his life force, it made him feel alive

he liked the unknown siren, who was forever in the distance
it was beautiful to imagine how beautiful she might be
it was thrilling to feel the intrigue surrounding her
yet her allure remained only as long as she was obscure
so he never really wished to meet her despite wanting to do so

as days passed by he grew bored
freedom was desirable when bound in chains
but when one is free in the air,
there is a sense of rootlessness

yet the siren's pull kept him there
her enchantment never ceased
and then as some more days passed by
he realised that being bound had been a habit
which will take some while to shrug off
and when that bind of bind started wearing thin
the idyll looked beautiful like never before

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

In Search of...

In search of..
I have no clue
In search of..
dunno what to do

In search of..
a passion lost?
In search of..
a compelling thought?

In search of...
something to occupy
In search of
the wings to fly

In search of..
a true meaning
Dedicate my life to
a new beginning

A way that shall
fulfil my soul
A lasting content
is my only goal

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Science of Love

Cliched title you would think, but wait a minute before you pronounce any judgment and read the following excerpt from an article I found while surfing.

Thirty-one-year-old Dana Commandatore claims she has never been the kind of woman men immediately notice. But one night last year, while at a singles bar with friends, she couldn't keep the opposite sex away. "Guys were coming up to me and getting very close, and I was like, 'Wow!'

Want to read more - I bet you will, but suffer my monologue a while. Brain research especially related to interpersonal relationships, attitudes, individual characteristics has always interested me..yet without doubt understanding the oft talked about, yet least understood (at least for those who are not afflicted by it) concept of love is most fascinating. Most scientists believe that it is to the secrets held within the labyrinth known as brain that we have to look for answers. Recently I saw an interesting program on Nat Geo in their show - Naked Science, where they talked of three stages of love - Attraction, Seduction/Romance, and Love (or long term bonding) and there were theories about each of these stages, novel experiments to prove those theories. As I was searching for articles to delve more in this subject, I came across this article, which talks exactly on the same topic.

So how come Dana Commandatore (yup, the lady in the singles bar) attracted all those men like bees to a on.

The New York City office manager, now in a committed relationship with one of the men she met that night, credits her ability to attract him that evening to a costly potion ($60 for a tenth of an ounce) called Falling in Love. Its manufacturer, Philosophy cosmetics, claims the concoction is laced with pheromones, those odorless airborne molecules, synthesized from human chemical secretions, that are purported to boost attractiveness. (And yes, it's available at a department store near you.)

Bunk? Sniff if you will. Many do. But whether one believes Commandatore is hopelessly susceptible or remarkably savvy, one thing is clear: New research in the field of love and attraction shows that romance--long the domain of poets, philosophers and five-hankie movies--may be ruled as much by molecules as it is by emotion.

In fact, scientists now believe that the impulse that drives us to mate, marry and remain monogamous is not a result of mere social convention: It is also a complex mix of naturally occurring chemicals and hormones--Cupid's elixirs, if you will--that helps guide us through life's most important decision. That physiological component, say the researchers, may help explain some of love's mysteries: why opposites attract, why so many seemingly mismatched couples succeed, why we stick together with partners through even the worst of times.

Another excerpt

Indeed, what scientists believe they already know about matters of the heart is remarkable. To illustrate their findings, follow the story of Mike, a fictional Everyman, as he falls in love. One night, Mike, single, nervously arrives at a party, gets a drink, then scans the room. Science tells us that, unconsciously, he is already noting the size and symmetry of the facial bones of the women around him (a recent study by University of New Mexico biologists found that symmetrical bone structure is prized more than anything because it suggests a lack of undesirable genetic mutations). He also studies the women's curves, as research shows that men prefer waists to be 60-80 percent the size of hips, an indicator, however crude, of health and fertility. (Women, for their part, seek men with slightly feminized faces--think Leonardo DiCaprio--because they appear warmer, kinder and more trustworthy.) "Judging beauty has a strong evolutionary component," says University of Texas at Austin professor of psychology Devendra Singh. "You're looking at another person and figuring out whether you want your children to carry that person's genes."

Want to know whether Mike finds someone special in that party? - Okay, here's the link for you

PS - As an after after thought probably I should have titled this post as "The Dopamine Effect" - sounds better na?

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Those haunting strains
of a score of violins
A spirit evoking symphony
And a nostalgic note

The tune bestirs the being
from an indolent ease
A burning restlessness
brings a violent peace

Yet the tongue goes dry
And the mind is numbed
At loss for unheard of words
Erudition is stumped

Unquenchable fire rages on
Smoky emotions get choked
Breatheless dumb cannot express
Even if the soul is evoked



A song that paints in white
to dispel an all pervading gloom
We sing for a love rediscovered
A new life from hopeless doom

Those old unforgettable strains
The Muse to my nostalgic heart
A familiar ode, of who else but yours
Bridges what has been rent apart

The gaily vivid yellow blossoms
Lingering with a fragrance of yore
Now springs alive a dead spirit
Refreshed, to the skies does it soar

Like rivulets snaking mountains
to lose themselves in the river
Once we are one soul, one sea
What is then You, what is Me


Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Sometimes mind deliberates about existence of a Supernatural power.
Is there a reason to believe in His existence.
Being a believer I scoff at such rationalizations and feel that
one needs to move beyond the confines of this world and its reasonings
and believe that reasoning won't get us there.
Yet the scoffing at reasoning is in a way a reasoning

And then out of nowhere one sees examples of piety, men who did not reason,
but did, surrendered without any reason
One listens to songs of devotion that touch the heart
And bring about the spirit of surrender without asking a doubt,
without a word of protest

and one such song is from the film Baiju Bawra...probably the best devotional song
ever composed in film industry

Hari Ooom
Harrrii Oooom
Hareeeeeeeeeee Oouuuuuuuummmmm
Hariii Ooooooom

Man tarpat Hari Darsan ko aaj
Man tarpat Hari Darsan ko aaj

More tum bin bigade sakal kaaj
Hooooo ooooooH
Binati karat hoon rakhiyon laaj

Man tarpat Hari Darsan ko aaj

The pitch of this song strikes straight into the heart and it feels like a divine revelation to a believer

The song has been written, composed and sung with devotional fervor that one cannot remain untouched by it

And thats where the most interesting fact about this song emerges...this song, one of the best Hindu devotional compositions in the film industry was written by Shakeel Badayuni, composed by Naushad and sung in that soulful voice by Mohammad Rafi. Truly Bhakti knows no barriers of religion.

Monday, September 29, 2008


Life was tedious
Entertainment was a drag
Thrill had become boring
Been there, done that
Nothing else to do

He left it all
Left the world
And went to the seas
He lived on the beach
in a thatched hut, all alone
But no entertainment was boring too

There was no TV, no Internet
and so slowly
he started finding joy
even in the simple pleasures of life
Yet life was slow
and aimless

Then one day it happened
He found an odd shell
And felt the urge to carve
His hands guided him
The mind knew what to do
It all came out well
A fine sound it blew

He liked that sound
He loved that work
And then all day
from dawn to dusk
He did nothing else
But scraped the husk
To find the treasure below

It gave his life a meaning
For now work was not means to an end
But that end in itself
And when such is the case
Work ceases to be work
And becomes joy, pure bliss

So he enjoyed what he did
He carved more shells
It brought him peace
And he wished nothing else

Yet world intruded
Recognised the value
He craved it not
Yet it gave its due

Such shells were after all
Nowhere else to be found
Even those who knew their craft
Could not produce such a sound

And so our shell-maker
Now worked for the world
Even on such shells
Which ere into the sea he hurled

The more he worked for others
The more it became work
Where he once found joy
Now he wished to shirk

He had left the world
Came here to feel alive
But now at his doorstep
When the world arrived
Tempted by his Joy
Which now quiety crept out
From the backdoor

Thursday, September 25, 2008


In the wilderness of desert
Aimless, clueless of what I sought
Trudged on miles of sand, then
You invaded as a transforming thought

Ere there was unquenchable thirst
What for, I knew not
Then fell a drop of water
Afters ages of drought

That festive day of Spring
Comes once in a thousand suns
When that rare flower blossoms
Having shriveled for seasons,

Shuddering I kissed your crest
And the two eyes to your soul
The rosy buds then sighed as
My lips grazed in a trembling whorl

A release of molten deluge
From the bowels of the earth
The dormant one now explodes
Celebrating its rebirth

Swept by the manic need to possess
To compensate for past dearth
Now that the distant bird hath come
She will know her true worth

The massive rocky cliffs
Meet the force of raging sea
That age old joining due
'Twixt frigid you, passionate me


Ye delusioned
Think ye life is a straight line?
But what goes comes back
Your past catches up with you
In the same or in a different guise
And you are back to where u started
When life comes a full circle

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Tagged by Meena -

People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

The second on seems a bit tough :( :(

If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Will be down for a while...then get back with life. Living ur life is the best medicine

If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
Finding someone truly special and who shares my sentiments

Whose butt would you like to kick?
None at present...seriously

What would do with a billion dollars?
Ensure I have enough for my life...guess a few crores would do :)...and donate rest to charity

Will you fall in love with your best friend?
Not the present one :D

Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Both simultaneously with the same person is unparalleled blessing. And separately they are big curse, even if great experience

How long do you intend to wait for someone you love?
Well i shall go on with life, keep an open mind. If it happens, it happens...else love isnt the be all and end all of life

If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
Well, try to get over it..wat else

If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
Clearing our misconceptions on our own history and the way our history is being raped by rightists and leftists

What takes you down the fastest?
Tragedy, horror, pessimistic story lines

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Hopefully as a successful writer with a happy family life and no big tension about future

What’s your fear?
Being a failure in life

What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Sweet, good natured and a very fertile imagination

Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?

If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
Then it is not love and there is no picking

Would you give all in a relationship?
Yes..if I dont give everything to something I am attached then it doesnt make sense to me

Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing she has done?
No...but I will try to understand why she behaved so, then perhaps i may forgive, but I dont think I can forget such a thing ever

Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
Have always been guess wud like to try out a relationship

And now I tag,









Many a times this happens to me.
Out of nowhere a tune comes to my mind
It plays on and on
I want to actually listen to it

But I am not good with music
When I try to sing my tone goes awry
I want express something, yet I cant
I feel literally like a dumb person

I wonder if I have heard this tune before
Oh how nice it would have been
If we could Google search a tune
But then how would I express it
I am illiterate in the language of music

Monday, September 22, 2008


The Sea's desire to roar its might
The Wind's rush for breezy flight
The Nightblooms whose shy buds open
Only in the serenity of hidden night

There is one that wants to say
But a few words, even if trite
There is someone who wants to see
The usual yet satisfying sight

A desire to listen to the Sound
That makes my darkness bright
A need to posses the One
Who holds my soul as her right

With every passing day, I become
Less of me and more of her
I imagine her dreams,
Dream her imagination
In the loneliness of bleary nights

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Desire to shine
Pride in myself

Then World doesnt matter
Yet no Satisfaction
Need more...
More Recognition

What do I want now?
Now from whom?
From 'I'
Yet no Satisfaction
Then what?

No Satisfaction from more
Reduce Expectations, Happiness buds

True happiness lies
In Loss of Fear
In Loss of 'I'

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Eyes clouded by tears

My love, your eyes shall well up with tears (remembering me)
As if dark rain bearing clouds have covered a clear sky

These two lines and so many words have been expressed in just four words -

Nainon mein badra chhaye..

and it goes on..
Bijli si chamke haaye
Aise mein balam mohe
Garawaa laga le

Since I have set the context earlier, I can try my hand at concisely interpreting this song...hope I convey its emotions too

Eyes clouded by tears,
Shimmering like lightening
On stormy days as these
My love, hold me close to thee

The man who in so few words expressed himself in an endearingly touchy manner was a doyen of Indian lyricists - Raja Mehdi Ali Khan. He belonged to the yesteryears of film songwriters with strong roots in Urdu poetry which had such names as Sahir Ludhiyanvi, Shakeel Badauni, Gulzar and others.

However Raja Mehdi's compositions were mostly with a folk touch, not with fancy Urdu words...note words like 'balam', 'mohe'.
'Naina' or eyes seems to be one of his favorite motifs for there is one other beautiful song of his - "Naina barse rimjhim rimjhim, piya toh re aawan ki raat" which again uses very simple rustic words in beautiful poetry.

In Indian poetry - whether Urdu or Sanskrit based - 'eyes' are a frequently used symbol for conveying a wide gamut of emotions and it is corroborated by the sheer number of words to describe eyes and eye related features - like nayan, akhiyaan, chakshu, netra, aankhen, nigahein etc. and stock expressions like jheel si aankhen or nargisi nigahein

Coming back to Raja Mehdi...both the songs mentioned above were given music by Madan Mohan, my favorite Music director. These two formed a successful team in the 50s and 60s. And this song of theirs - Nainon mein badra is somewhat special for me.

This is one of the rare cases where everything about something is so good. Here the film is a well made one - Mera Saaya by a director who specializes in suspense - Raj Khosla (who also made Woh Kaun Thi). Then we come to the placement of this song in the movie and the picturization - a song can be really good, but a director can mess up by not utilizing it properly. In this case Khosla used it so well that even Madan Mohan could not have dreamt it.

In the movie Sunil Dutt is a lawyer whose wife, whom he loved very much, had recently died and is now troubled by another woman, her look-alike who claims to be his wife. And all the while he is unable to forget the sweet memories of his wife.

The song opens with a wide shot of the lakes of Udaipur and the palaces in its midst - white marble in clear water and then focuses on Sunil Dutt - who reclines on a bed in his terrace. The music begins just then - with really rousing strains of the sitar and santoor...its so difficult to describe what it does to one's heart - Madan Mohan's music is captivating right from the start. And Sunil Dutt, suddenly restless sits up and looks around - all around are places enmeshed with his memories of being with her. At this moment the voiceover begins - Nainon mein badra chhaye... and here is Raj Khosla's gem...he makes the song play out in a haunting if its echoing (this is not how the song was recorded, but how it was dubbed with the film) - and this is so apt as the haunting note gels really well with Sunil Dutt reminiscing about his wife - its as if that music and words are echoing in his mind not allowing him to rest peacefully and his eyes well up - again so apt for Nainon mein badra

His gaze fixes upon a beautifully carved marble pavillion, overlooking the lake and he remembers their close embrace there. Sadhna is positively ethereal to look at. Frankly she is not as beautiful and fresh as in her early films - but she is too good a performer - her high coiffure with flowing tresses and trademark cowlicks, her light hued yet transluscent, shimmering silk sari all make her look her part - the lost enchantress of his life. Here she sings to her lover reminding him of how she had allured him once. Thats how it fits exactly with the larger story of the at this point of time the hero acutely feels the loss of his wife.

The later wordings of the song are somewhat tantalising, tempting, even playful...Madira mein doobi akhiyan, chanchal hain dono sakhiyan. Madan Mohan brings out the nostalgia as well as temptation wonderfully well with Lata Mangeshkar's graceful yet endearing voice.

I could go on..but as it is I have rambled a lot..u can see the song

Pretty good quality

The song ends with Sunil Dutt crestfallen on a pillar of that same marble pavillion.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Rules of the Game

Two ppl met by accident and started playing a game.
It was a game never played before and there was no "how to" book written on it.
They did not even know whether it could be called a game...they just made their moves.
But then what is a game at its simplest..but a sequence of moves made by two or more persons in response to each other.

In this case every move by the other person made it all the more interesting and they got further involved in it. It was just a matter of responding to each other in a spontaneous intuitive manner with no baggage from past, no worry of future and no sense of anything else in the present.

Between these two it blossomed into the most lively and intriguing game, something either of them had never played afore.
Soon they were sucked into this "thing"...they were caught in a whirlpool...but u knw its like that "ringa ringa-going around" thing...which gives u a heady feeling.
Then one player - the guy (till then there was no need to differentiate - guy, gal etc. but then that need cropped up ..... unfortunately) who had never earlier played anything akin to this wanted to set some rules...the game was growing like some wild jungle, unfettered and relentless.
What the hell were they playing anyway..whats the future of this, how did it relate to things in the past..if it could be clipped this way and that, it would grow in a more orderly he thought
The girl was wiser, she had played such games in past, though never to this level, yet she knew better...but she couldnt stop the guy's musings, she couldnt convey to him how it was more important to enjoy the game for its sake rather than making something more of it. She thought there was nothing more to it..the guy thought there was.
Who was right, who was never knows, one never will.
Meanwhile the guy happily went about setting his rules but in the process missed playing the game. The game started deteriorating, the fluency was gone, the spontaneity was lost. The guy thought that setting more rules would right the situation, but it only resulted in further downslide. The girl was vindicated in her stand that there was nothing more.

In the end all that was there betweeen them was only rules and no game.

I usually have a final closing with a smart aleck quip or some pedantic shit or some unconcise ramblings..but in this case there is nothing more to the end than - The End.

Friday, August 22, 2008

A Native returns

Being a Tamilian brought up in North (well at least relatively speaking :D ), I have always lived with mixed bag culturally speaking. I was and still am more comfortable as a Northie and at best a diffident Tamilian. I revelled in Hindi music, Hindi cultural idioms, slangs etc and had not much idea of these things in Tamil Nadu.

I prided myself about a few things though...I learned to read Tamil on my own, which was one of the few out of the way efforts in my life. And we did speak some form of Tamil at our home...though Tamilians may scoff at it. Once a Chennai woman found my Tamil so obtuse that she asked me if I was a Sri Lankan Tamil - my Tam was that different.

However I did have a taste for Tamil music. I remember as a kid, at 4 or 5 o clock in the evening, my Mom used to tune the radio to Tamil Short Wave channels (yes when I was a kid, TV, Cable TV and FM were yet to arrive)...those heady Ilayaraja stuff of the 80s...I still have an affinity to them. But by and large I did not listen to much Tamil music..indeed at one point of time I used to sneer at it. I remember at XL, I had Bong and Telugu frnds who were big fans of Tamil music, while I was fact I got some songs for Mom from them.

Things changed when as part of my job I moved to Tamil Nadu...remember those early days...hated everything Tamil, the movies, the stars, the music, that awful dappankuthu - rowdy looking men dancing in their dungarees with their nadas hanging...hated being in Chennai, the heat, the humidity, the water...hated that these people were incomprehensible to me and I was so incomprehensible to them - even though we shared our mother tongue. But then slowly I reconciled and the bridge was Tamil music...I discovered several songs to my taste...I did not understand a word, yet the music was, I just took to it. Being some sort of poet myself, I cannot let a good song go by without understanding what it painstakingly I used to go over lyrics again and again, use the aid of a dictionary...I'm always shy of asking ppl for help, for the fear of being ridiculed. My fancy to certain Tamil songs was a private matter to me. Often searching for songs was very difficult..since I did not understand its title word, I either mispelled it or plain simple did not know what keyword to type in. But gradually I found out ways around this handicap.

Now I really like this music...its as if my heart is attuned to it...and on many days I listen only to Tamil music instead of Hindi, even though I have several of my Hindi favorites stored in my laptop. I also learnt to enjoy the picturization of these songs. Some picturizations are really too apt, so fitting.

And through the music I sort of understood the rhytm of this land better. Its not just a sweeping statement...truly in this case I have experienced does bridge the cultural divide, especially for the long lost native who wishes to return to his roots.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What is Love...Baby dont hurt me

Theories abound regarding the most mysterious yet coveted ailment that human emotions produce off and on - Love.

What gives rise to it? What it is? How is it identified? What does it lead to? and so on...endless questions and ...yes, endless answers. And what answers!!..contrarian views, fierce comprehension

Lets take one question and probably the starting point for all others - How does one know that one is in Love??

Literature on love abounds with tales of love at first sight or at least attraction at first sight. Whats the strength of this particular notion...well its just that we do not get attracted to just about least women dont.

So if a lady is attracted to you, it means that you are special to her and you can as well make her someone special for yourself.
Nonsense?? Ah, if nothing else...its just a good thumb-rule, but is it something more??

Then there are some who scoff at this attraction theory. There are even studies conducted which say that this attraction has a lifetime lifetime free credit card..hmm :) . It incidentally happens to be three years, which is generally the life of a lifetime free credit card...hmm, have credit card companies hit upon something we dont know yet?? Got to think about it.

Anywys, so these ppl..I mean, those who scoff at the attraction theory believe that you got to be really comfortable with the other person. Like, you know have a date at a CCD* one fine afternoon, you just meet outside the joint, smile spontaneously, then breeze in together not at all aware of the curious eyes upon you, still talking to each other you just plonk yourself in any available space...still chatting...15 min, no waiter has come (CCDs are good that way)..still chatting...15 min later waiter hands the menu, still chatting...half an hour later, waiter shows a surly face...ah 2 caffe latte pls, waiter smiles, you dont notice that, still chatting....over another 3 hrs and 2 iced teas later, still chatting...only when ur asses begin to hurt sitting in the same position...or looking at the waiter's hurt face calculating his ROI** of (2 caffe latte + 2 iced teas)/ 4 hrs realise that you should probably make a move the next CCD, or maybe go to a flop u can er ...'chat' further

Somebody had once exhorted me to be concisely put the above para is all about comfort. Comfort meaning??...arre baba Comfort vis-a-vis Attraction. You know - rapport, gelling well (thats pretty suggestive), chummy buddy and all that...first you are a good friend and then, only are something more. Of course these days one need not go to CCDs and negatively affect their ROI for discovering a comfortable relationship. With Gtalk, and Yahoo Msgr, you can go online and waste countless hours of somebody's time, allow them to waste yours and hola!! if you dont consider that a waste of time - you are in a comfortable relationship..HOLA..Dance

But then there are some who scoff at this too - 'online dating is not online mating'.
Comfort - what an absurd notion...making love is either too uncomfortable or so pleasurable that words like comfort etc. are superfluous...this would be the opinion of the Attraction theorists who would like to believe in the biological origin of these urges....or those who scoff at both these theories and any others for that matter.

So neither comfort, nor attraction can define it.
Is it then when both happen together??
Well, you may want to waste your time reading that theory, I dont want to waste mine writing about it :|

Now I come to the really serious part...PAY ATTENTION!!!
This is real serious, I bet. The answer is pretty straightforward.

Are you in love?? ... You would know that... when you are in love!!

Hows that for being concise!!!

Well u may wish to burn ur laptop/computer or probably pull a tuft of your hair as evidence of your frustration or better still burn my laptop...though that may only cause you more frustration...bcos u cannot burn my laptop

Yes I agree this may seem like...that response, the Greatest Computer Mother or Mother Computer in the Universe in that forsaken planet of Magarthea gave when asked what is the Ultimate Answer to everything and She, It - whatever replied - '42'

Well, hold on to ur tomatoes yet...there's something important to learn here...for she said that if u want the Ultimate Answer, you got to ask the Ultimate Question ...Fair enough!!!
(Where did this all come from - check out the "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" its a far more popular book than the "Encyclopaedia Galactica". Why? Coz it says on its cover in bold letters 'DONT PANIC')

So come back with your Ultimate Question and not stuff like - What is Love?...Baby, you'll get hurt if you ask that

* CCD: Cafe Coffee Day - they apparently sell various kinds of coffee, tea and snacks
**ROI: Return on Investment - a term most abused by MBA types

Why these contrived manufactured references you may ask - Well, just wanted to give an academic feel to all this. I have heard academics can get away spouting any shit and save a lot of tomatoes too...I like saving poor red little things.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A rejuvenated Brahmana

I have long prided myself for my heredity which goes all the way back to Vedic rshis of the ancient ages. After all who else but Brahmanas can trace their origins right back to when our ancient civilization originated. Even today when a Brahmana kid introduces(Abhivadaya)himself to elders, that introduction is a record of his illustrious lineage. It starts with the pravara or the name of the rshis whose descendant that person is. For e.g. my Abhivadaya goes thus ...

Abhivadaye (Salutations O elders)
Angirasa Bharhaspatya Bharadwaja Triya rshiyaye pravaranvida (I belong to the line of Angirasa followed by Brihaspati followed by Bharadwaja. These are the three rshis who start my lineage)
Bharadwaja gotra (My gotra is Bharadwaja)

But today that is all there is as far as one's Brahmanatva or "being a Brahman" is concerned - pride in past lineage, the heights attained by one's ancestors long back in the ancient age - but what have I done to claim being a Brahmana, which is a status that carries such purity. How different am I compared to any other youth out there...maybe my brain stores a few mantras in its labyrinths.

Being a Brahmana meant living life austerely...the rules for Brahmanas were far stricter than those for other communities...they had to live their life in sadacharya or good conduct so that they deserved their place at the top of the society, so that they naturally commanded the reverence of all other people and could rightfully guide people in spiritual and religious matters. But today how many Brahmanas can claim to that level.

Anyways...I may continue on this tirade upon myself and other "Brahmanas" like me indefinitely to no avail. But there is one occasion when I feel being a Brahmana and the great privilege it is. Thankfully God has granted one such occasion every year. It is the tithi or astronomical configuration of Sravanamase Shuklapakshe Paurnamsyam or the day of the Full Moon (Poornima) in the Bright Half (Shuklapaksha) of the Hindu calendar month of Sravana (which falls in Aug-Sept), which in Tamil is called Aavani. This tithi falls under the nakshatra or star of Dhanishta, which is called Avittam in Tamil. Hence this occasion is known as Aavani Avittam (or the day of the star Avittam in the month of Aavani).

On this day, all Brahmanas do what is known as Vedarambam or 'restarting the Vedas' i.e. they start the study of Vedas again. This is accompanied by putting on a new sacred thread and casting off the old one. Mantras such as the "Kamokarshit" and the Gayatri mantra are said a 1008 times to repent for the sins committed over the past year or for not following the right conduct (which we are all guilty of :D)

Last year for the first time I had the Avani Avittam in my native village in Palakkad and witnessed the huge difference of the occasion there compared to how it is done in the larger cities.

Having found it to be an amazing experience, this year I again went there. Waking up and having a bath early in the morning, I first of all went through my Sandhyavandanam book. Having not done my daily rituals in years, I had forgotten the sequences completely and even the mantras at places. But the mantras are difficult to forget. These have been repeated and reinforced in my brain hundreds of times, so they come back at will. Once I was fairly confident that I understood it, I started with it and completed my Sandhyavandanam in around 25 min.

Thereafter I went down the village to another house a few blocks away - it was the home of the vadiyaar. Already several men were sitting in the verandah who having finished their Sankalpam or pledge had already started chanting the Kamokarshit a 1008 times. All looking resplendent in silk veshtis and overdrapes with the mark of Siva - three horizontal lines of vibhuti or ash across their forehead, neck, chest and arms.

Being a bachelor - a brahmachari, I had to do one more ritual prior to that, which was the Samidhadanam which is done around a yajna fire. It is worshipping the Fire God - a Vedic ritual. The young college going son of the vaadiyar handed me the darbha or dry grass. There is one folded in the form of a ring, which is worn around the ring finger. Two straight blades of this grass are folded around the finger. This gives one the authority to say these mantras, perform the rituals and benefit from it. Two other blades are placed beneath one's feet as one sits cross legged on the floor. This signifies the place as a sacred one, where one is involved in performing Vedic rituals.

The boy said the mantras and I repeated them behind him. This is another thing I find fascinating, listening exactly to the words and their pronunciation and then repeating it smoothly behind...this is not all that easy as its in Sanskrit and most of us dont understand the meaning at all. But it is fun and a great experience.

Thereafter there was Sankalpam and of course chanting a mantra 1008 times. After that late in the morning we went to the Siva temple, where the actual Vedarambam and Brahmayajnam are done. When over 30 Brahmanas chant the Vedic mantras in the proper metre one could feel the energy and aura around. The entire chamber reverberated with the sounds of the shlokas.

Thereafter we went to the pond adjoining the temple, the bathing pool of yesteryears and even occasionally these days and there standing in the water, we chanted the mantras, made oblations with the water and changed the sacred thread.

After this we made our way back to the village. A typical village is but a straight road on both sides are houses with tiled roofs, adjoining walls and open verandahs to the front. The people had gathered to their front doors to see the procession of the Brahmanas returning. As we made our way back we were chanting the Rudram...ah it sounds so lyrical. As all the adult men were in our procession, it was only womenfolk and children waiting there. As we made our way, the women bent down and prostrated themselves wherever they were like one does while seeking the blessings in a temple. This procession of Brahmanas is considered auspicious and even widows can seek blessings so I found patis aged over 80 bending down. It was something totally unique.

We went all the way to the other end of the village to the Vishnu temple where we were to perform another set of pujas for an hour and a half. Lunch was only after this at 1.30 in the afternoon.

To me this was one day where I did something, at least a little bit to be in some way the descendant of my illustrious forebears. And at the end I came out, if only for another year - a rejuvenated Brahmana

Monday, August 11, 2008

Every moment

हर एक पल बस आँखें टकि रहती है
सिर्फ़ तेरी परीजाद सूरत पर
हर एक साँस जो लेता हूँ मैं
दिल की गहराइयों में बस जाते हो दिलबर

हर एक दर्स पर गौर फर्माता हूँ मैं
झील सी आँखें, गुलाबी होटों पर
रात कट जाती है, नींद नही आती
सोचते रहता हूँ जब इन चीज़ों पर

मेरी जिंदगी की नूर हो तुम
आते हो तो अँधेरा जाता है बिखर
दर्द भी तुम, दवा भी तुम हो
जो मिलता है, पीलेते हैं हँसकर

तुमसे मिलना सिर्फ़ एक अधूरा ख़्वाब रहेगा
समझते हैं हम, समझता नही यह दिल मगर
तस्वीरों की क्या ज़रूरत है अब, तुम मिलो न मिलो
हमेशा के लिए बस गए हो दिल के भीतर

composed on 11th August at 2 am in the night

Here's the approximate transliteration (for those who cant read Devanagari)

Har ek pal bas aankhen taki rehti hai
Sirf teri parizaad surat par
Har ek saans jo leta hoon main
Dil ki gahraiyon mein base jaate ho dilbar

Har ek dars par gaur farmata hoon main
Jheel si aankhen, gulabi hoton par
Raat kat jaati hain, neend aati nahi
Sochte rehta hoon jab in cheezon par

Meri zindagi ki nur ho tum
Aate ho to andheraa jaata hain bikhar
Dard bhi tum, dawa bhi tum ho
Jo mil jaata hain, pi lete hain hanskar

Tumse milna sirf ek adhoora khwab rahega
Samajhte hain hum, samajtha nahi yeh dil magar
Tasveeron ki kya zaroorat hain ab, tum milo na milo,
Hameshan ke liye bas gaye ho dil ke bhitar

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Women are a labyrinth

Lately I saw an interesting film - The Cable Guy, starring Jim Carey as the Cable Guy and Matthew Broderick as Steven..the script has some interesting quips, especially when the Cable Guy picks out inspiring philosophical one liners straight out of TV shows...sample these

So, you're pretty love struck about your
lady, huh?

I miss her. I asked her to marry me, and
she asked me to move out.

I hate that.

She said she felt pressured. Can you
believe that?

Women are a labyrinth. Can I be frank? I
don't think you listen to her. I think
you try to tell her what she wants to
hear. She wants you to thirst for
knowledge about who she is. All the
complicated splendor that is woman. When
your love is truly giving, it will come
back to you ten-fold.

You're right. That is remarkably

Yeah, it was Jerry Springer's final
thought on Friday's show.

You know what? Women are suckers for
"Sleepless in Seattle." It's on HBO this
month. That's your bait right there.

Robin loves that movie.

They all do. Next time you talk to her
tell her you're cooking yourself dinner,
and watching it by yourself. Sound like
you're happier than a pig in shit.
She'll come running. Betcha. Then just
play it cool.

Maybe I will.


Steven and Robin are talking. Robin does not look happy to see him.

I don't listen to you. I pretend to
understand but I'm really just saying
what I think you want to hear. So from
now on I'm going to try my best to listen
more because I do love you and am
interested in learning about every detail
about the complicated splendor that is

Robin looks at him, somewhat shocked.


I want us to get back together, but I can
see why taking this time might be good
for us. So, I'm not mad.

After a long beat, Robin smiles.

Sometimes time apart is healthy.

You're right. Well, that's what I came
here to say. Look, I've got to get back
to the office.

He starts getting up.

So, are you doing anything tomorrow?

I'm just going to cook myself dinner and
watch a movie. "Sleepless in Seattle" is
on cable.


If you're around you should drop by and
check out the new apartment.

Okay, maybe I will.

Before this Steve had invited Robin to his apartment for celebrating a big achievement in his job and she had refused then. Wanna read more, here's the link...

PS - whats this thing about "Sleepless in Seatle", havent watched it, guess I should

A Psychotic Romance

I may write a few bits of poetry or sometimes put my abstract thoughts to words, but generally my creative output is in terms of stories or rather in their foetal state - plots. My mind churns out plots every now and then, sometimes interesting ones. Some are inspired from real life with characters possessing great amount of similarity to people I have actually met and interacted with, but then the story and it characters take a turn of their own...and in the final heady concoction one cannot distinguish fact from fiction.

So I am now going to narrate a plot that has just sometime back come to my mind. I shall attempt to narrate it in a crisp fashion as I have been accused, and rightly so, by someone close, as not being concise enough. As the title suggests the story is a romance between the lead characters...well anyway there are no other characters in this story for now :D

The lady - lets call her Planet (actually the name of a planet did occur to me, but I wud rather refer to her as Planet) - She is a born loner, and so she was even later among a sea of friends and acquaintances,...left much to her devices as a child, with little care from her parents...she felt it was because of herself and started despising herself...she started looking out for reassurance.

Fortunately she discovered Internet and chatting at the right time. Talking to others online (especially anonymously) and forgetting herself was her way of dealing with her problem. Added to this she came across literature on Psychological disorders and delved deeply into them...slowly she started identifying with some of the cases and somewhere as many people lose sight between reality and imagination...she started thinking that she had a split self within like some of the cases she read about...she imagined two selves primarily. One of them was an adventorous, outgoing, even prankful personality, while the other was a brooding, pessimistic, depressed self and she acted as almost two entirely different persons when either of these selves sought to predominate.

One day as usual during her online sojourns, she came across a rather interesting profile of a guy and pinged him. She waited for a day, the next day he replied back. She found the response oddly interesting and sent her own remarks...lo behold, the guy replied again and it was even more on they went trading messages back and forth till they decided that they were interesting enough to explore more about each other.

Thereafter they chatted almost everyday for hours on end. Planet found the guy to be an intriguing personality...he was as different from her as chalk and cheese...he tended to look at life in a more optimistic picture, even though (as he revealed to her) as a child he had a similar tough time at home...he had great belief in God and Destiny, unlike Planet.

He had an impressive personality - extremely intelligent, knowledgeable and with clear cut ambitions. He also had great deal of courage and confidence. Planet was in complete awe of him. He was as normal as she was abnormal!!

He had an acutely perceptive nature, he could instinctively understand what she thought, he used to second guess her and most of the times accurately. She started spending more time with him and through him she started talking to herself...he became a medium rather for her different selves to communicate with each other.

She found it difficult in his presence to be two entirely different personalities...conversations with him were so long, intense and probing that she was her different selves at the same time. It took not long for her to understand that she was never two or more selves at all. The reasons this happened because of these conversations was that this was a very unconscious was never intended to have the kind of effect it had on her. Now she found that she was more comfortable with who she was. It was not entirely due to this relationship...already in the last few years she had become more confident of herself, especially her go-getter self...but now she was more at peace...she had dispelled her own imagination of various selves. It was a great feeling for her...of course she considered it all due to her online friend we got to name him (as it is that has been unnaturally delayed) lets name him - Meteor, ah its somewhat related to Planet and yet contrasts Planet and he was very much like a Meteor.

Meteor - Planet had been able to surmise little about him...the thing was most of their conversations centred around Planet as Planet wanted to talk about herself and Meteor wanted to know more about Planet, though he never shied away from talking about himself. But these were occassional and Planet in her preoccupation with herself did not really pay much attention to the person that Meteor revealed himself to be.

From what she surmised Meteor seemed as mercurial as a meteor...he tended to be emotional and expressively so...his emotional barometer showed rapid high and low movements, but irrespective of that he never receeded within himself. He expressed both his high and low states to her. She also learnt that he was easily hurt.

Now once Planet was more comfortable about her identity, she had no inclination to delve more into these probing conversations...they reminded her of her earlier dichotomy, which made her pretty uncomfortable. She was thankful to Meteor for what he did for her, even if unintentionally and he was really the first person to take such a great interest in her life. She felt overwhelmed at times. But she also sensed that Meteor was becoming more possessive of her, he was demanding more of her time. Actually it was not really more, it was just the same as earlier, but Planet had moved on. With her more confident self, she wanted to take on her problems with renewed vigor and optimism. She looked forward to the future and Meteor made her look behind by his constant attempts to delve into her psyche. She did not have time for that, neither the inclination.

Another complication was that behind Meteor's possessiveness and emotional nature, she detected certain sentiments directed towards her. And she was even more uncomfortable with that. She always had dreams and imaginations about the person she would eventually commit herself to - Meteor though impressive was certainly not that man - and besides she was in no hurry to do commit herself. She was young and had a life of early youth to look forward to, see the world, meet different people and maybe one day find her right choice. While Meteor was an interesting person, she could never think of him in that manner, she did not feel a basic attraction to him. She was also perplexed that he could be attracted to her as he claimed. Anyway all these factors put together made her to keep her distance from Meteor.

Initially Meteor did not understand this at all. He showered her with his usual attention, mails, smses, and what not. The usual downpour kept on all the while making Planet even more uncomfortable. The distance seemed to have made him mad. Planet thought that this was bad, but worse was yet to come...

What she had overlooked in those initial days of her conversations with Meteor was the abnormal time he used to spend with her. She wanted to talk and did not notice that here was a man who had work to do and yet leaving all that he was only listening to her. His questions were very many people it could have been uncomfortable...but since she was facing a problem, this actually came as a bitter medicine to her disease. He also used to do all sorts of snooping around (with her knowledge), connect various data that she gave him, and used this to good effect in the conversations - his sudden insights using various titbits was crucial for her in finding links within herself. She naturally looked at the result, but forgot to see the cause of it...and then there was his ultra-possessive nature, his almost maniacal interference....maniacal?? A dark foreboding swept her - the man she thought of as totally normal and amazingly great was nothing but a maniac....he really had a psychological disorder, though it was so completely masked...

That is the romance about this started with a woman who imagined herself having a psychological disorder relying on a totally amazing and normal the process she becomes "cured" only to find that the man she relied on is a psychotic himself...thats why this is "A Psychotic Romance" where do we go forward from here,,,

One thread of thought suggests that Planet resolves to help the man. She returns him the favor and they have long conversations, but about Meteor himself. This was comparatively comfortable as Planet was not required to talk about herself. She really found it fascinating to know more about Meteor. As she learns more she finds herself drawn to that person. Despite his mental state, he had shown tremendous resolve...he had never become a split self...but yet was badly affected by what he had undergone. Gradually he comes out of his disorder and by that time Planet has totally fallen for him. But when he comes out, he finds that he is not really attracted to Planet...

Another thread suggests that Planet makes it clear to Meteor that they have to separate...Meteor descends into further psychosis, which makes him malevolent and he in turn stalks and troubles Planet....he makes her life a hell....she is not able to form relationships with anybody...of course in this eventually Meteor will have to be neutralized.

If you can think of any other let me know :)